To go with nature and to be natural has never been my thing. I can't imagine that. How would it feel if one tried? Things automatically work out well for me, but that is because nothing about me has ever been anything like natural. When I went to school it was very regimented. When I learned how to cope with the regimentation, I employed unnatural methods. I developed a mode of humor that was extremely unnatural, but it helped me to let off steam. I divided my life into public and private realms and expected that to be respected. I did things I didn't feel like doing at first, because I always enjoyed them later. I set up practical jokes that obstructed the natural order.
You have to do things that go against your instinct if you want to gain more instinct. A rider on a horse at first won't keep her seat, but after a time this becomes the order of the day, like second nature.
Because of this unnatural mode of organising my daily affairs, I can't be tracked. I don't do those things that come naturally to other people. If you want me to do something and do it in a certain way, you actually have to talk to me. The other methods of cajoling, teasing, coaxing actually will not work. I've had them used on me, these natural modes, and I've only wondered what the hell was going on with that. For instance, a woman training me wrote down that I was learning to use different tones of voice, when actually I noticed that I wasn't. If she was trying to hypnotise me into using different and more varied tones, she'd have to have been a better magician. I can notice stuff like that and it makes me weirded out.
Because I'm not that natural. I have an excellent relationship with the one who is my spouse, but that's because I've managed to ingrain a tendency to modulate all aspects of my nature, so that nothing unpredictable can happen. Everything is organised and self-contained. This makes me unpredictable to others, since there's nothing they can tease out of me. I already began this self-restraint from about the age of 1, and just got better with it over time. Everything modulates itself now, no need to draw my focus or attention.
It's really that easy to get most things I need. The one thing I can't get, though, is an understanding of any natural order. I can't grasp the reason why some people find one and then make it out to be real. Somehow there is something natural out there, or even inside of them, that they just keep noticing.
There are articles that speak of patterns I have never noticed in myself, like people failing at their marriages or falling out of love. I can't imagine these scenarios, although for all I know they might be natural.
I'm not modern enough, in that respect, to hear calls of nature. And if I did hear them, what would I do?
I'm anti-natural.
You have to do things that go against your instinct if you want to gain more instinct. A rider on a horse at first won't keep her seat, but after a time this becomes the order of the day, like second nature.
Because of this unnatural mode of organising my daily affairs, I can't be tracked. I don't do those things that come naturally to other people. If you want me to do something and do it in a certain way, you actually have to talk to me. The other methods of cajoling, teasing, coaxing actually will not work. I've had them used on me, these natural modes, and I've only wondered what the hell was going on with that. For instance, a woman training me wrote down that I was learning to use different tones of voice, when actually I noticed that I wasn't. If she was trying to hypnotise me into using different and more varied tones, she'd have to have been a better magician. I can notice stuff like that and it makes me weirded out.
Because I'm not that natural. I have an excellent relationship with the one who is my spouse, but that's because I've managed to ingrain a tendency to modulate all aspects of my nature, so that nothing unpredictable can happen. Everything is organised and self-contained. This makes me unpredictable to others, since there's nothing they can tease out of me. I already began this self-restraint from about the age of 1, and just got better with it over time. Everything modulates itself now, no need to draw my focus or attention.
It's really that easy to get most things I need. The one thing I can't get, though, is an understanding of any natural order. I can't grasp the reason why some people find one and then make it out to be real. Somehow there is something natural out there, or even inside of them, that they just keep noticing.
There are articles that speak of patterns I have never noticed in myself, like people failing at their marriages or falling out of love. I can't imagine these scenarios, although for all I know they might be natural.
I'm not modern enough, in that respect, to hear calls of nature. And if I did hear them, what would I do?
I'm anti-natural.
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