I'd transferred from fine arts to a BA in the humanities, but things hadn't worked out in the workplace after that, and I was living with a guy before that, but now I wanted to just focus on my health and not have the weird fights we were having because of the stress, I mean from the workplace abuse. I just wanted quiet. And to focus on my health. Because now I was reading Nietzsche and somehow there were elements of my mind that were improving. I no longer breathed all the aggression in, but pushed it out a little bit.
It was good on the one hand that I returned home for a while, so I could catch my breathe, and bad on the other hand, as my father was still mad in many ways, although I thought he would have calmed down.
He said I burped a lot, because my digestion wasn't working anymore, because of all the workplace stress, and I could no longer eat solid food. So this was quite disgusting. Also I couldn't speak properly. Although I'd taken a course in English and Cultural Studies, I still couldn't manage to speak as I was using the wrong word to try to defend myself. This was a family intervention to make me realize how low I had fallen, because I needed to be notified. I couldn't leave the room until I'd heard them out. I was the vilest thing imaginable. But above all the burping. At night. When I was supposed to be asleep.
I had to stop that right away and do the opposite to what I was doing -- but I was trying to educate myself throughout the day using the Web and Nietzsche. The curtains were half shut, which meant that it was just me and the demons. We were educating each other. Reading books day and night, including in the bath, meant something very bad was up. Also I used to dim my computer screen when I left the room, which meant I was hardly an open, honest or reliable person.
The only thing to do, since Christianity hadn't worked, was to work at educating myself. I had to keep working at it until I completed the task. Nothing would stop me from pulling myself out of this unimaginable nosedive. But I had to block off large parts of my feeling, lest I feel sorry for myself, and just soldier ahead. Feelings were the last thing I could afford as they used up too much energy.
Anyway, I had to understand the new culture, where people took advantage of you but didn't explain why. My father used to use my Apple Mac in the morning, before work, and would not say why. he's just be sitting on it, using it, and would not budge at my request, but it seemed that in this new culture you had to terrorize anybody to get what you wanted, and I was not big enough and strong enough.
It seemed the new culture involved getting really, really close to people -- up emotional and close, so that you could see their every action -- then you sabotaged their efforts as you raced ahead. I'd have to really try hard to adapt to this. It wasn't going to be easy. It might take me a number of years.
It was good on the one hand that I returned home for a while, so I could catch my breathe, and bad on the other hand, as my father was still mad in many ways, although I thought he would have calmed down.
He said I burped a lot, because my digestion wasn't working anymore, because of all the workplace stress, and I could no longer eat solid food. So this was quite disgusting. Also I couldn't speak properly. Although I'd taken a course in English and Cultural Studies, I still couldn't manage to speak as I was using the wrong word to try to defend myself. This was a family intervention to make me realize how low I had fallen, because I needed to be notified. I couldn't leave the room until I'd heard them out. I was the vilest thing imaginable. But above all the burping. At night. When I was supposed to be asleep.
I had to stop that right away and do the opposite to what I was doing -- but I was trying to educate myself throughout the day using the Web and Nietzsche. The curtains were half shut, which meant that it was just me and the demons. We were educating each other. Reading books day and night, including in the bath, meant something very bad was up. Also I used to dim my computer screen when I left the room, which meant I was hardly an open, honest or reliable person.
The only thing to do, since Christianity hadn't worked, was to work at educating myself. I had to keep working at it until I completed the task. Nothing would stop me from pulling myself out of this unimaginable nosedive. But I had to block off large parts of my feeling, lest I feel sorry for myself, and just soldier ahead. Feelings were the last thing I could afford as they used up too much energy.
Anyway, I had to understand the new culture, where people took advantage of you but didn't explain why. My father used to use my Apple Mac in the morning, before work, and would not say why. he's just be sitting on it, using it, and would not budge at my request, but it seemed that in this new culture you had to terrorize anybody to get what you wanted, and I was not big enough and strong enough.
It seemed the new culture involved getting really, really close to people -- up emotional and close, so that you could see their every action -- then you sabotaged their efforts as you raced ahead. I'd have to really try hard to adapt to this. It wasn't going to be easy. It might take me a number of years.
No comments:
Post a Comment