Toil and trouble

When I first read Judith Lewis Herman on Trauma and Recovery, I was excited, because she showed that post-traumatic stress disorder was directly related to the sense of being betrayed by one’s community whom one had relied on for support. The fact that trauma is so profoundly connected to betrayal forms the basis for her view that therapists must necessarily acknowledge the realities of the trauma their clients have experienced. This enables those who have suffered to rebuild a bridge to reality, after it has been severed.

I’ve been through a very long process, which began with trying to experience my inner sensations so that I could assimilate them with my present choices and reactions. My emotions had become severely repressed.

Going back into my country’s history to try to understand how trauma was experienced also gave me a deeper understanding of my mental states.

Finally, I still felt something was off, because I was constantly disappointed by the actions and behavior of those around me. The last part of the jigsaw was to realise I’d been projecting and alienating the better parts of myself into others, thus setting me up to be deceived (and betrayed!) when their real views and attitudes led them to behave differently from what I would have done.

So, my inner work has been exhausting and finally exhaustive.

I did try to achieve some of it by occasionally attending therapy, but due to the lack of awareness of the various therapists, my historical and cultural background — the pivotal dimension of my problems — was never addressed. Mostly, the therapists became hostile, because of course I was projecting into them the necessity of providing knowledge and salvation, and they did not have access to enough of the right sort of material to get even close.