When my father lost the war and therefore his homeland, he turned to Christian ideology much more extremely than he had done in the past. He was also looking for causes for his terrible tragedy. Christian ideology invokes a simple binary, whereby men are rational and upstanding -- qualities my father had tried to embrace and largely succeeded in doing, before the loss of the war. Women were the opposite side of that binary dualism. Christian ideology holds that they do not have ethical substance, but are weak and conniving. Not only that, but their Evelike characteristics lets the devil into the equation. What was pure and upstanding and true, and fought long and hard for in a courageous efforts, could be undermined in a jiffy by those who didn't think as you do.
Experiencing my father's strong hate, I turned my aggression inwardly. This led to my succumbing to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome in my twenties. An overheating of the immune system. Inward-directed aggression is of course the exact opposite of being emotionally labile, which is what Christian ideology tends to accuse women of being. It perplexed me no end when people brought up in a Christian culture kept ascribing these opposite attributes to me. I didn't understand that they were merely employing the mechanisms of an ideology, so I thought I must have been communicating especially badly. I tried still harder to communicate, using different methodologies and varying the emotional tempo to see which approach might work. It was really necessary for me to alleviate this extreme guilt complex -- this sense of having failed in life absolutely, because my father lost the war. To escape from my troubles I felt I had to communicate. This was really difficult whilst people were alleging I had the opposite characteristics to the ones I had. I felt locked into my own mind, and the more I felt this way, the more aggression I directed at myself. Christianity was killing me from the inside out.
It wasn't until I read Nietzsche that I began to understand human psychology. Before that I had been dwelling in the mode of metaphysics, which meant upbraiding myself for every small sign of falling short of an overarching standard of perfection. From Nietzsche I learned that all humans harbor aggression and that is it better -- healthier -- to direct those energies in some way outwardly, rather than keeping them inside. Nietzsche effectively saved my life by stopping me from attacking myself.
My immune system used to be so low that not only would I contract any virus going around, but I would then spend the greater part of the year getting over a minor cold. A 'flu virus in my system was a major disaster for me, as the infection stemming from it would inevitably migrate into my sinuses and ear canals, leaving me debilitated for month upon month. Because I had internalized the Christian ideology of moral perfectionism so much, I couldn't offer any excuses for myself. I would mumble something about not being able to hear others properly, due to my eternally blocked ears, and try to soldier on. I knew any sign of weakness would only invoke my father's wrath more completely. He would rain down fire and brimstone. I was the cause of everything that had gone wrong. I was the externalisation of the negative feelings he had about himself.
That I was unable -- and literally prevented -- from communicating the nature of the problem I endured for many years was down to cultural Christianity. If women are not to be trusted on principle, there is little they can communicate. They must keep enduring whatever situation they are in until they find a way out of it.
Although I succumbed to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome in my early twenties, it wasn't until my late twenties that I had made significant achievements in managing to climb out of it. I really had to re-pattern my whole psyche so that its energy systems were not directed inward but went outward to some degree. I had to destroy myself (as I had been) and build myself up again, whilst having no recourse to communicating my project to anyone. Those I did try to speak to communicated, by their actions, that they not only didn't understand but that I made them angry. I had to save my very limited energetic resources not in soliciting the help of others but in building myself up.
These days I find that those who embrace cultural Christianity still do blame me for something nebulous, but their opposition to my goals and intellectual efforts is not all that active. Something in me or in the air has changed. It would be a vast understatement to say I am grateful for it.
Experiencing my father's strong hate, I turned my aggression inwardly. This led to my succumbing to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome in my twenties. An overheating of the immune system. Inward-directed aggression is of course the exact opposite of being emotionally labile, which is what Christian ideology tends to accuse women of being. It perplexed me no end when people brought up in a Christian culture kept ascribing these opposite attributes to me. I didn't understand that they were merely employing the mechanisms of an ideology, so I thought I must have been communicating especially badly. I tried still harder to communicate, using different methodologies and varying the emotional tempo to see which approach might work. It was really necessary for me to alleviate this extreme guilt complex -- this sense of having failed in life absolutely, because my father lost the war. To escape from my troubles I felt I had to communicate. This was really difficult whilst people were alleging I had the opposite characteristics to the ones I had. I felt locked into my own mind, and the more I felt this way, the more aggression I directed at myself. Christianity was killing me from the inside out.
It wasn't until I read Nietzsche that I began to understand human psychology. Before that I had been dwelling in the mode of metaphysics, which meant upbraiding myself for every small sign of falling short of an overarching standard of perfection. From Nietzsche I learned that all humans harbor aggression and that is it better -- healthier -- to direct those energies in some way outwardly, rather than keeping them inside. Nietzsche effectively saved my life by stopping me from attacking myself.
My immune system used to be so low that not only would I contract any virus going around, but I would then spend the greater part of the year getting over a minor cold. A 'flu virus in my system was a major disaster for me, as the infection stemming from it would inevitably migrate into my sinuses and ear canals, leaving me debilitated for month upon month. Because I had internalized the Christian ideology of moral perfectionism so much, I couldn't offer any excuses for myself. I would mumble something about not being able to hear others properly, due to my eternally blocked ears, and try to soldier on. I knew any sign of weakness would only invoke my father's wrath more completely. He would rain down fire and brimstone. I was the cause of everything that had gone wrong. I was the externalisation of the negative feelings he had about himself.
That I was unable -- and literally prevented -- from communicating the nature of the problem I endured for many years was down to cultural Christianity. If women are not to be trusted on principle, there is little they can communicate. They must keep enduring whatever situation they are in until they find a way out of it.
Although I succumbed to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome in my early twenties, it wasn't until my late twenties that I had made significant achievements in managing to climb out of it. I really had to re-pattern my whole psyche so that its energy systems were not directed inward but went outward to some degree. I had to destroy myself (as I had been) and build myself up again, whilst having no recourse to communicating my project to anyone. Those I did try to speak to communicated, by their actions, that they not only didn't understand but that I made them angry. I had to save my very limited energetic resources not in soliciting the help of others but in building myself up.
These days I find that those who embrace cultural Christianity still do blame me for something nebulous, but their opposition to my goals and intellectual efforts is not all that active. Something in me or in the air has changed. It would be a vast understatement to say I am grateful for it.
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