transgression

Decades of C-PTSD recovery (via transgression)

Briefly: why "transgression" should be taken seriously as a method of retrieving health. It is not at all a foolish model of rebelliousness asmodern…

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LeeAnne Hensley Transgression really is relative to the individual. There really isn't a set of criteria for transgressing, you have to go against what is instilled in you that prevents you from breaking free. When I went through what I would consider to be my shamanic initiation, I had to deconstruct myself, which is a horribly violent process. I had to destroy the rest of what hadn't already been destroyed by others, and that in itself says a great deal about the strength of the materials I had to tear down. (The parts of me that even the most vicious attacker failed to crush.) At first it was a dreadful task, but there was a point when I began to delight in demolishing myself. When I let go of the impulse to protect and preserve her, I started to get a sense of how much freer I was. It was a new freedom that I had never even sensed before. I had all this space that I could expand into, whereas I had spent my whole life before then trying to shrink my very existence into the tiniest package possible. I invited judgment against me. I laughed at anyone who dared to look down their nose at me. They could think whatever they wanted of me, because they surely hadn't been there to help me when I was slowly being destroyed from within by other people. I finally learned to see that it wasn't about those onlookers, it had nothing to do with them. It was a battle that only I fought from my end, and whether I lived or died was in my hands alone. I was no longer walled in, separated from my own power.

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Jennifer Frances Armstrong Wow. You understand it completely. Only those who have been through it understand this process, but you describe it remarkably well, especially in your understanding of the role of onlookers. And certainly you have attained strength on the other side. I have taken so long to gain my own strength in the manner you've described, but I presume this is because my historical circumstances were most unusual and the only person who could understand them was myself.