Vlog 6

My father had that sweet-mean cycle, which was more borderline than narcissistic, and it used to make me feel desperately sad for him. He would sacrifice something or give me money, but I couldn't afford to let down my guard and love him for his selfless act, because I knew that just around the corner was coming manipulation and abuse. This sense I had that it was a selfless act he had performed, but that I couldn't respond to it (because I owed it to myself to protect myself), made me feel extremely helpless and profoundly sad. I tried to get help from all sorts of people, but the complexity of this made it impossible to understand (and I only myself understood it much more recently).