repost

Of course everything I was thinking about turned out to be in terms of military maneuvers, which is where my real propensities and desire lay.  I liked to rest them there.   Boom, boom!

In actual fact it just made sense to me, like instinct makes sense to people.  It's not taught.  It just falls into place.  I even had the idea of reproducing much of my childlike demeanor as a shell within which I could incubate an adult self.   That was fake appeasement.

Also it was a decoy.  Because how people react to those who are completely innocent is entirely revealing of their inner souls.   If they do not like innocence -- well, then, their hatred goes down deep.   They're fundamentally wrong-headed, in a bad relationship with themselves.  And so on.

Really I just liked war.  It made more sense to me than peace and it was the one way I could be on my own side sufficiently enough to bring myself to full maturity.  Nobody else was going to do it, as they wanted to keep me small.  Stay in your real nature, they insisted, and be a wind sock.  We want to see you indicate the way we blow.  You make it very hard for us.

Ah yes, one makes it untame, unpredictable and what.

But I had to buy myself some lebensraum.  That's how it goes around here.  I was starting to see the apparition that had been projected onto me, and wondered how I might put it to very good use.  Of course there was a world of difference between a Zimbabwean ex-pat and a nazi, but my opponents didn't know or have to know that, for they did not.  They acted as though they imagined that that these two were one and the same.

So then I had the original innocence on my side but also the capacity to manifest as the condensation of all that Westerners believed was evil -- in fact their shadow side.  The more they saw me as evil made manifest, the more powerful and unpredictable I became.  Another decoy.  Useful if one is harboring one's real self.

I could go on and on about this, but you'd never get it.  It would just be fake appeasement.  Because I know too much.  I'd have to kill you.  And so on.

In any case, I grew up and I got old and none of this makes sense, not even to me.