The men who went to war were considered deep. I wasn't and I didn't claim to be. For many years, after migrating, I sought to find my depth. Eventually, I found it by crossing over into what had been denied me in the past -- knowledge of the male modality.
Because "emotion" is gendered "female" in contemporary Western society, nobody had any idea what I was doing (making myself whole by integrating more emotional knowledge and experience). It was assumed by quite a few people that my job ought to have been to try to move away from slushy, feminine "emotion" and into the realm of rationality and logic. However, the opposite was the case -- I had been brought up into the realm of rationality and calm logic, but without much scope to experience or express emotion.
It was a struggle for me to break the hard shell of my character so that some knowledge of emotional life could enter.
I struggled with the same project for years and years -- about ten to fifteen actually.
Finally, I've reached the point where emotion seems to be fully integrated with the way I live my life, at least on an individual level.
The problem is with Westerners who understand my project at cross-purposes and think I was writing as a means to become more stupid and frail. No, not at all, because emotion was defined by masculine freedom in my experience. Women in my culture were not permitted much or it, apart from the cultural attribution of stereotypical weakened states, for instance if they happened to not from here.
Change can happen, but it is hard.
Also, in terms of Western culture and its expectations, I have an inside-out personality. The more threatening I find a situation, the less emotional I am, even to the point that I actually lose touch with my emotions in very threatening situations, and become a stone.
However, it is often assumed that as a female I must inevitably be very much in touch with "feeling".
It has taken me a long time to realize that the majority of people have been taught to reason about gender differently from I.
Because "emotion" is gendered "female" in contemporary Western society, nobody had any idea what I was doing (making myself whole by integrating more emotional knowledge and experience). It was assumed by quite a few people that my job ought to have been to try to move away from slushy, feminine "emotion" and into the realm of rationality and logic. However, the opposite was the case -- I had been brought up into the realm of rationality and calm logic, but without much scope to experience or express emotion.
It was a struggle for me to break the hard shell of my character so that some knowledge of emotional life could enter.
I struggled with the same project for years and years -- about ten to fifteen actually.
Finally, I've reached the point where emotion seems to be fully integrated with the way I live my life, at least on an individual level.
The problem is with Westerners who understand my project at cross-purposes and think I was writing as a means to become more stupid and frail. No, not at all, because emotion was defined by masculine freedom in my experience. Women in my culture were not permitted much or it, apart from the cultural attribution of stereotypical weakened states, for instance if they happened to not from here.
Change can happen, but it is hard.
Also, in terms of Western culture and its expectations, I have an inside-out personality. The more threatening I find a situation, the less emotional I am, even to the point that I actually lose touch with my emotions in very threatening situations, and become a stone.
However, it is often assumed that as a female I must inevitably be very much in touch with "feeling".
It has taken me a long time to realize that the majority of people have been taught to reason about gender differently from I.
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