My feelings, my emotions, like sheep, had gone astray and I had no idea where they were or what they were up to. I was in my late twenties at this time and I knew something was wrong. My life was dominated by attitudes of duty and hope for a better life if I pleased the correct authorities. And I had every intention of pleasing them with all my might - so much so, I was coming apart at the seams. I had no concept of pleasing myself.
I realize that many people would consider the attitudes I describe above to be ideal ones for a young female. This was far from true. My health was suffering and I would catch viruses much of the time -- signs indicating that I'd become a spiritual anorexic.
So, I began writing to feast on my own lamb stew or in Jung's less malicious prose, "to water one's own garden".
All of my writing has been an attempt to track down and reintegrate my emotions.
This is why there are certain modes of critiquing any of my work that are wholly wrong. My writing is not, for instance, inherently emotional. I worked hard to get this feeling effect. Also, I don't need to be told to take a good, hard look at myself to figure out what, from a right-wing perspective, I need to change. It should already be obvious, not least on the basis of good manners -- I really don't need to be told to go ahead and do what I've already been doing over all these years, to find out what needs to change. I'm also not a female stereotype, pent-up with emotions that just want to come pouring out at the slightest touch. If that had been so, I would never have chosen the self-discipline of learning to write.
A friend from a similarly repressed culture recently told my of her disappointment in viewing a movie, Diary of a Geisha. She observed that the book had been very poorly rendered into film because the character seemed like a "Western girl", very emotional.
"At that age, she would not have known what she was feeling."
I realize that many people would consider the attitudes I describe above to be ideal ones for a young female. This was far from true. My health was suffering and I would catch viruses much of the time -- signs indicating that I'd become a spiritual anorexic.
So, I began writing to feast on my own lamb stew or in Jung's less malicious prose, "to water one's own garden".
All of my writing has been an attempt to track down and reintegrate my emotions.
This is why there are certain modes of critiquing any of my work that are wholly wrong. My writing is not, for instance, inherently emotional. I worked hard to get this feeling effect. Also, I don't need to be told to take a good, hard look at myself to figure out what, from a right-wing perspective, I need to change. It should already be obvious, not least on the basis of good manners -- I really don't need to be told to go ahead and do what I've already been doing over all these years, to find out what needs to change. I'm also not a female stereotype, pent-up with emotions that just want to come pouring out at the slightest touch. If that had been so, I would never have chosen the self-discipline of learning to write.
A friend from a similarly repressed culture recently told my of her disappointment in viewing a movie, Diary of a Geisha. She observed that the book had been very poorly rendered into film because the character seemed like a "Western girl", very emotional.
"At that age, she would not have known what she was feeling."
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