A definitive experience for me was when I was about three and at a nursery school run by some South African ladies (ie. not part of my culture). I was a loner then as I am now, and one of the hardest concepts (which I still haven't managed to come to terms with) was how to "play" in a way that was prescribed rather than spontaneous.
When play was spontaneous -- in other words, on my own, (or around the middle of primary school, with a group of friends who were similar to me), I could keep going for hours. But at the age of three, I was required to do orchestrated play, and I couldn't wrap my mind around how to seem to be spontaneous whilst not actually being so. I believe this puzzle has been at the core of much of my orientation towards socialization as an adult. I perceive that I am supposed to act as if I believe I am free to behave in any spontaneous manner that may appeal to me, but at the same time to conform to rigidly circumscribed gender roles, in many cases. I find I can't hold the two things in my head at once -- to maintain the appearance of seeming to be free, whilst knowing that I am not actually so.
Anyway, these South African ladies would not allow me to play alone, even in a way that I already felt to be very circumscribed (because it had to be within the walls of a brightly coloured prison, crowded and claustrophobic, when I wanted to be outside.) I had taken the building bricks from the shelf to play with, and was trying to occupy myself with them, when these ladies interrupted to tell me that I was not playing in a way that was suited to my gender.
"Those are boys' toys! You need to play with other girls. Here is a group of them, playing house..."
So, they made me join about six of them who were on a bed, playing roles of mummies and daddies (honestly, I can't remember exactly what they were doing, but each person had a role within this imaginary nuclear family, and it seemed clear to me at the time that I had been given a superfluous role, that I didn't really belong in this already gelled together nuclear family).
And not only was I a fifth wheel, but I couldn't see what they game was about. I couldn't understand the logic of what was being played out, nor could I grasp my role, or why I needed one to play.
Ultimately, what was most disturbing is that I couldn't actually grasp the meaning of play under such circumstances. I was being forced to "play" in a way that suited the needs and values of the South African ladies, but I could not find the emotional or intellectual correlation within myself that would make the play seem authentic (and actually it was an intellectual link I was seeking).
Since then, I have had similar experiences, whenever social mores have deemed that I need to participate with groups of women, in an experience of free "play". I am quite incredulous to the whole thing. I can't, for instance, see the "play" that I am supposed to experience in a "hen's night"/bachelorette party.
No comments:
Post a Comment