utter nonsense!

I smelled my natural enemy in any system that sought to orchestate my attitudes and behaviour from beginning to end. That was my best excuse to introduce a symptom of the here and now – to snatch the fellow girl guide’s hat and throw it anywhere, to disrupt the circle of sleepy conformity by introducing the presence of myself as tangible reality, the obstructor of the system that would have us sleep walking along, failing to recognise each other.

I had to create an effect, through my scheming and planning, to prove that I was out there. In seeing myself performing, I would know that I actually existed, like cold shivers of excitement descending down my spine, I’d know through the immediacy of the experience that I was actually alive.

In another way, it was my reverence for authority that simply compelled me to scheme and plan another practical joke. I wanted to know better the boundaries of order imposed by authorities, and how these functioned. I simply had to find out. I enjoyed the terror that such knowledge seeking invoked  – it whet my appetite and made me certain that I and authority belonged to each other, like pairs, like opposites in a symbiotic tangle. If I could find out what authority thought of me, I could feel, in that moment, alive.