Non-Autistics Are Too Bizarre « Clarissa's Blog
Oh, I can relate to some of that anti-community stuff. I think I have to watch myself because I do speak from a different style of awareness. I have noticed in the past that I use words in a way that is different from how many, perhaps even most people use them. From my point of view, I am always alone and all my experiences are intra-subjective, rather than inter-subjective. I experience everything in relation to myself, but not in a selfish way. When I went to Zimbabwe in 2010, I experience “community”, but really this was in a non-verbal sense. I traveled all across the countryside with people and discovered a rhythm in their way of moving and relating. I couldn’t speak their language, but I thought I had discovered “community”. But now, since I am assured that it exists, I don’t need to participate in it anymore. I have no inner cravings, apart from to know that that order of experience can exist.
Actually, I can’t relate to a lot of the issues posted here about norms of relationships and sexuality, because they are moot questions for me. I do as I please. There is no norm to that.
I think this mode of being is very difficult to understand. It must be, because my language betrays me all too often and people get it wrong. For instance, the paradigm of shamanism I have invented has nothing to do with self-improvement or humanity, or anything like that, but just experiencing terror and seeing what one can make
You can’t access my experience, so there is no capacity to trivialize it. This was in Africa, and I felt a very strange, invisible hand of coordination, where everybody was somehow operating in unison and surviving against the odds, with an incredible amount of grace and rhythm.
The other level of cultural discourse I really don’t get at all is the self-esteem issue. I don’t see life in these terms. If I’m having very enriching life experiences, I feel that everything is on track. If I’m not, I feel the opposite. This has nothing to do with my evaluation of an illusionary idea called “the self”.
This is a huge source of misunderstanding because, perhaps most people are pursuing self esteem. I don’t know. I never have. I’ve always only pursued experience. Also I’m somewhat on the extroverted side, so I don’t have many social inhibitions. I do what I want to do. I tend to avoid people who have an entirely different conceptualization of “the self”, because they inevitably think I’m saying something I’m not. I joke around a lot, and I’m not trying to dominate anyone by that, or drag down their self-esteem, but sometimes people who operate very differently in the world feel I am doing that. I don’t have much of a conception of self image, so I’m not so sensitive to those who do have one.
Oh, I can relate to some of that anti-community stuff. I think I have to watch myself because I do speak from a different style of awareness. I have noticed in the past that I use words in a way that is different from how many, perhaps even most people use them. From my point of view, I am always alone and all my experiences are intra-subjective, rather than inter-subjective. I experience everything in relation to myself, but not in a selfish way. When I went to Zimbabwe in 2010, I experience “community”, but really this was in a non-verbal sense. I traveled all across the countryside with people and discovered a rhythm in their way of moving and relating. I couldn’t speak their language, but I thought I had discovered “community”. But now, since I am assured that it exists, I don’t need to participate in it anymore. I have no inner cravings, apart from to know that that order of experience can exist.
Actually, I can’t relate to a lot of the issues posted here about norms of relationships and sexuality, because they are moot questions for me. I do as I please. There is no norm to that.
I think this mode of being is very difficult to understand. It must be, because my language betrays me all too often and people get it wrong. For instance, the paradigm of shamanism I have invented has nothing to do with self-improvement or humanity, or anything like that, but just experiencing terror and seeing what one can make
You can’t access my experience, so there is no capacity to trivialize it. This was in Africa, and I felt a very strange, invisible hand of coordination, where everybody was somehow operating in unison and surviving against the odds, with an incredible amount of grace and rhythm.
The other level of cultural discourse I really don’t get at all is the self-esteem issue. I don’t see life in these terms. If I’m having very enriching life experiences, I feel that everything is on track. If I’m not, I feel the opposite. This has nothing to do with my evaluation of an illusionary idea called “the self”.
This is a huge source of misunderstanding because, perhaps most people are pursuing self esteem. I don’t know. I never have. I’ve always only pursued experience. Also I’m somewhat on the extroverted side, so I don’t have many social inhibitions. I do what I want to do. I tend to avoid people who have an entirely different conceptualization of “the self”, because they inevitably think I’m saying something I’m not. I joke around a lot, and I’m not trying to dominate anyone by that, or drag down their self-esteem, but sometimes people who operate very differently in the world feel I am doing that. I don’t have much of a conception of self image, so I’m not so sensitive to those who do have one.
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