On wanting and not wanting "success"

When Something Doesn’t Work | Clarissa's Blog

Maybe there is nothing scary about it. For instance, I once had a project of learning "Western culture". I had the sense that I ought to learn how to mediate other people's emotions for them, as this is what was required of me not to be aberrant, but to conform with what my father had required of me when we first landed in Australia -- which was to become what other people needed me to be in order not to offend them.

I kept trying to do this -- trying to be more and more sensitive to other people's requirements, so that I could adjust to externally imposed cultural ideals and not seem to be arrogantly set in my ways.

But, I could never achieve this. I really, really tried, but it always felt false. I would try to pause and reflect and speak with greater sensitivity to others' perceptions of their identities, but it took a tremendous amount of energy and created a psychological wall around me rather than breaking one down.

Then I understood that all the demands to show sincerity by contorting myself and acting in a way that did not fit my character, were measures designed specifically to unbalance me and control me. I had been trying to achieve something when the structure of reality was specifically designed to prevent me from achieving it.

Psychoanalyst Theodor Dorpat says that authoritarian psychological techniques are often used on early migrants to get them to conform to new cultural values and ideals. But people had been trying these on me for decades. Each time, I'd walked away thinking, "Wow, that was close. They almost succeeded in destroying me that time."

Now I am old enough to see that many people are just extraordinarily manipulative. I had to break my original programming to see this. I also had to realize that fitting in was never what I really wanted for myself. I'd only wanted it in order not to disappoint others.

These days I'm aware of where "success" and my own interests really part ways.