'via Blog this'
It is strange the way Marechera melds perspectives, so that it seems as if it were his father who died in primary school. This makes it all the more rending, if one has an ear for it.
As for myself, I did not feel pain, and that was a problem. I think this was the result of sporadic beatings by my father. They were arbitrary (unrelated to any action I may have done) too. I turned my aggression against myself and stopped feeling. That strategy went along okay until people began to beat up on me anyway, because "Rhodesia", even though I had effectively erased myself. It turned my self-annihilation into rage, because after all I had erased myself to avoid pain, and others were not keeping to that pact.
After I was destroyed the second time (by workplace abuse), I couldn't even afford the little emotion I had allowed myself until then, because they shame I felt was too overwhelming. I told myself that at least if I had done something to deserve the second beating, I would be able to hold my head higher, or at least make sense of it all. But all I'd done was try not to exist, so now I was lower than the low.
As for myself, I did not feel pain, and that was a problem. I think this was the result of sporadic beatings by my father. They were arbitrary (unrelated to any action I may have done) too. I turned my aggression against myself and stopped feeling. That strategy went along okay until people began to beat up on me anyway, because "Rhodesia", even though I had effectively erased myself. It turned my self-annihilation into rage, because after all I had erased myself to avoid pain, and others were not keeping to that pact.
After I was destroyed the second time (by workplace abuse), I couldn't even afford the little emotion I had allowed myself until then, because they shame I felt was too overwhelming. I told myself that at least if I had done something to deserve the second beating, I would be able to hold my head higher, or at least make sense of it all. But all I'd done was try not to exist, so now I was lower than the low.
1
His father rose again to run the factory"
Extraordinary. As watching for the plane (in your beach video--and, by the way, how was that NOT philosophical?), another pass <>or two<> is wanted.
The deep sighs, more than words; MINUS THE MORNING, almost too excruciating. For all the whittling, you didn't "succeed" by much. I suspect that (like me) by the time you say "ow" you're near passing out or going into shock. I may be wrong. I am often that way.