Why I took a Sadean road

Sade resonates through Nietzsche, whom I read in my late twenties.  I now see that Nietzsche's atheistic philosophy may be directly derivative of Sade, although it is not clear the route by which Sadean ideas of godless "immoralism" ended up in Nietzsche's work. The structure of both writers' reasoning a link between religion and the suppression of natural strength  is the same.    Having read Nietzsche, my feminism took an immediately Sadean route.

I could never have been a housewife.  One doesn't address the issue of nature's extreme violence in that way.  There are certain things that cannot be swept under the carpet.  Logical consistency wins out and adhering to this can be a way of conserving one's sanity.   So it was in my case. My body was very violent -- quite patently, violently sexual.   I could attempt to ignore the violence, up to a point -- but then very little in life made sense.  People walking around and acting as if life were fine or pretty, whilst I was in the throes of wishing myself dead created an incongruous picture of reality for me.   As time went on, the patriarchal vision of reality, where women play the role of delicate flower and men take up the complimentary psychological position,  made less and less sense to me.   Experience had taught me there was nothing refined or rational about my biology.  The best I could do for myself, under the circumstances, was to attune myself to that reality.

Since the nature of my body's spasms under demonic menstrual constraints was so intense, I looked for the upside of what was down about my bodily system.   Certainly, one is required to concentrate on one's genitals with a great measure of attention for a large part of a year.   The downside is the sensation of daggers in one's belly: dying all the time, and being reawakened.   The upside of this orgy of hostility against me on the part of nature is sexual pleasure.   Sexual pleasure is logically consistent with the experience of extreme pain.   One pays in installments and one gets to enjoy the beneficial aspects of one's body for one's own pleasure.

One of the lessons I've learned from life:  If nature takes something from you, always, always take something back.   Thus I oriented myself more toward sexuality than I had before, in order to take something back.

I've never regretted this, but it has put me totally at odds with contemporary ideas of femininity, to the point that I don't understand them, or I think I do, but on reflection I'm misunderstanding them.   Somewhere in the back of my mind I have an image of women as being supernaturally endowed to withstand all sorts of violence.   Another part of me says this cannot be right, or otherwise why do they end up being housewives, and calm, and not just pretending to delight in the trappings of domestication.

So I may be wrong somewhere, but at least, with regard to myself, I am logically consistent and this has kept me sane.