I was accused of envy when I said I would not punish the other person for not giving me half. Go figure.
Oh yes, because perhaps you would see them as an authority figure and therefore fear to punish them?
Seriously, that whole mode of reasoning has a kind of logic to it, but it is a logic based on a different structure of the psyche than the one I have. That is why I said before, I tried to adapt to it and get inside the peculiar form of "logic", but it is not possible to do that unless your psyche is structured in that way from the beginning. It is interesting that I have also had my generosity called into question in the past, as if it were intended as a form of manipulation. I don't do that, but if the suggestion is expressed strongly enough, one might find oneself questioning one's motives by losing the visceral sense of one's original impulse. Then one is cast into the wilderness for a while, and this can be very confusing.
I think the assumption that all behavior must necessarily have an instrumental purpose is very questionable. There is a lot of behavior that simply "is". For instance, if I am in an exuberant mood, I spread it around. My attitudes and responses are not intended as psychological levers.
A similar and related issue is the notion that is prevalent within Western culture, that one can manage others through "psychology". I have investigated this notion of having managerial power through 'psychology' back and forth, up and down. I once thought there was something to it, but now I have abandoned any mechanistic psychology as totally spurious. In any case, any advice I have ever been given as to how to make my way in the world or improve my standing through psychological tactics and methods has not benefited me at all. I just can't get myself into an instrumental frame of mind sufficiently -- or I do for a little while, but that is not a natural way of thinking for me and I soon drop out of it again.
What is most interesting, however, is that when I maintain the instrumental form of logic, people think I am one of them and reasonable and decent. When I revert to simply BEING and giving and receiving at will, I am suddenly dubious and suspicious and accused of having hidden agendas. In actual fact, when I lose any agendas, I am accused of having them.
It's perplexing, but I've decided the best I can do is to associate only with people who think like me. IN fact, at the point when I realized my whole cultural assimilation project was hopeless, I sought out and found a lot of Zimbabwean acquaintances and friends. They think much more like I do -- without the instrumental reason aspect that I cannot understand from the inside-out. I enjoy that because it reassures me I'm not crazy.
No comments:
Post a Comment