+Jude Miller Yes, I am very familiar with those feelings you describe in your second paragraph. Believe me, it probably would not have been easier to walk away had she been abusive. What is vital is to nurture a healthy selfishness. I have been reading much of this from Nietzsche lately. Actually, what the world needs is healthy people, so we kind of need to do a triage, and if we decide that we are the ones most likely to gain health, we need to direct all our energy and attention to ourselves -- which is not at all as easy as it sounds. It's very difficult to put oneself first when others are in pain or worse off. But that is what emergency health workers have to do at an accident scene, and it takes a lot of discipline of the mind to give oneself one's loving care.
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What of those loved ones who were themselves victimized, but can’t find the strength to redeem themselves? To give a personal example, my grandmother, who raised me, lives alone, and has a great deal of tension, shame, anxiety, guilt, fear…she’s so afraid of “messing up” and “doing the wrong thing.” Her mother gave her that. Her religion is her relief in this, and I am not inclined to take that away from her. However I feel guilty for being “better” than her in this regard, like I am duty-bound to see her saved as well. But I also feel the call to move on and do greater things. In a sense, I feel like if she HAD been abusive, it’d be easier for me to justify leaving her behind…but she wasn’t. She’s a kind old woman with no idea what she did to feel the way she does, and no way of knowing how to get out. I’ve spoken with her, but I cannot do the work for her, as much as I wish I could.