Feminism -- the way I practice it -- is not about putting people down. Feminism is about covering for them when their public face is diminished and they do not know it yet.
My immediate response, when I discover that somebody harbours misogynistic values is not -- as the propagandists would have you believe -- outrage, or terror or inwards deference. Rather it is shame.
It's the shame you feel for somebody whom you had respected only to find that they are walking around in public with a big gob of green snot on their nose.
The question becomes what to do about it.
Do you tell them that they have publicly lost face? Empathy intervenes against such direct measures. Do you suggest it to them indirectly, that there might be something really wrong with their personal hygiene?
Under such circumstances, it is not easy to know what to do.
At times I have risked my own well being (which is best maintained by pure and simple detachment from those who profess misogyny). I've said or done something to indicate the nature of the problem.
Almost always I have regretted this. Objectivity, rational self-examination and ideals of "civilisation" may be the values with which those who uphold patriarchal ideals want to be identified. The opposite is actually the case. Those who want to be identified with these ideals often turn out to be the most subjective, self-aggrandizing and irrational of all people -- who want to label women with these qualities in order to take the pressure of themselves. (Indeed, this seems to be the strategy that lies behind much of the illogical nature of patriarchal ideology, per se.)
I have found it near impossible to inform a dedicated patriarch that he has something on his face.
3 comments:
You are awesome. Seriously. You have so much to teach people, and me in particular. If only I would actually listen!
I usually can't remain detached enough to respond calmly, nor do I think that jerks deserve much politeness. But also, some people will not respond well no matter how gentle the criticism is worded. And it costs extra time to carefully ensure the criticism is tactful. So I usually just mouth off and let the chips fall, because I really don't care if an idiot thinks I'm rude -- they already lack the qualifications for discernment anyway. Plus, I probably have at least a bit of Asperberger's, it's taken a long time for me to learn social cues, etc. All those "reasons" could easily be justifications, btw...
However, you're a shamanazi or sumthin, lol, so you should be able to figure out the correct course of action eventually. What kind of criteria are you considering? Is it better to speak out against sexism rudely or to remain silent politely? Should someone always wait until they are more practiced at tact, or does the continuance of harm perpetrated by the jerk mitigate the need/desire to be tactful? And does the criteria remain consistent when the subject isn't speaking out against sexism but speaking out against something else? I really don't know...
I don't care if an idiot thinks I'm rude.
That might be a key. Most women are groomed to be polite no matter what. But when the person doesn't even realize that they're being ignorant, then they just assume you're a big rude meanie for criticising them and they get defensive. Yet, that is just a way for them to avoid dealing with the actual point so I can't respect that. I do have a tendancy to be much more polite to people I disagree with, if I know they can just simply calmly discuss the issue -- so shouldn't I try to be that type of person as well? Perhaps that type of attitude is contagious...
I dunno, I struggle with this issue all the time, I really wish you would figure it out for me. I probably am bringing my own issues to the table and not thinking clearly... Notice how women always wonder if we're behaving nicely enough to asshats!
hi m Andrea
Well I'm not under any obligation to tell a patriarch anything about himself, so whether I say something or do not is entirely up to me. Nobody can oblige me to do anything. Just reflecting on how patriarchal conditioning trains people to be cowardly to the core (is there anything more cowardly than blaming others for your weaknesses?) can be a disincentive for risking oneself in trying to relate to any particular patriarch.
The most self-protective thing you can do is to realise and accept that many males whom you had once thought to have very good qualities are in fact just profoundly flawed.
If you want to retain the best part of your humanity, you won't go poking at rattlesnakes.
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