Vlog CCXLIX

I used to have the worst sensations.  Whenever I felt a virus coming on,  I would feel my father's utter rage running through me.   That was punishment for me being about to let him down by succumbing to yet another virus or round of sickness.   The sensation of his rage and disappointment at me -- but mostly his hatred of my physical being -- used to virtually assure that I would not put up enough immune system resistance to whatever was launching its attack.    I used to be stuck in this double-bind from the internalization of his rage and my inability to go anywhere (to literally leap out of my own skin) to get away from it.   I had to train myself for years and years and years to get the narc. abuse out of my body.