New ambitions

Life is strange.  I've been in the process of casting off weight and I do mean psychologically.   One shouldn't go through life with precious stones that don't have practical benefits.  I can carry, for instance, the burden of my responsibility to the past or to others, but these weights are not that necessary, all up.

I have become aware of how much Christian responsibility I still felt, even though I had disavowed Christianity.   I still felt responsibility for making others feel better about themselves.

I should have understood that even practising Christians don't go out of their way to that extent, so now I happily allow nature to take its course.  There will be those who are attracted to me, those who aren't so drawn and others who don't like my ways at all.   I will of course make those who like me feel very good about themselves, but this is not by way of a burden and does not require any sort of effort.

When I consider what I have the capacity to idealize, I can easily narrow it.   I do like adventure and pushing the boundaries, but when accompanied with a sense of efficiency that gives these qualities an aesthetic edge.   

By contrast, I don't like petty opportunism and have never liked it.   I don't like, in other words, the soul of the modern man or woman under contemporary capitalism.   Instead of lamenting the ugliness of this particular manifestation, I will withdraw my interest and my energies.   Those who curtail their spirits to accept such bondage will never have much going for them in my eyes.  Maybe in another's eyes they will look pretty gradiose, but I don't care to contemplate that very deeply.

Instead, I will go my own way.   It will be easier in some regards, because I will go lightly, much more breezily than before.

The world does not need my moral ambitions, but it could do with my continued authenticity.   I don't have that much power, but I do have insight and courage.

That's just how it is.  I will do my martial arts grading in March and then onward and indeed sideways, if that happens to be the way of nature.   I've always come out better from every experience, so I don't see how that can change.