Anyway I understand my own traumatic knot now, which is a good thing. I don’t need to wait until I am elderly or have completely lost my sex drive. I feel the real benefit or advantage is in helping me fend off trolls (not just online but in the workplace). I do have a real sense of historically-engendered guilt, but it is familial and not related to easily recognised identities. It is a weakness that I need to protect against further injury. On the other side I know that however much enemies and trolls may try to work to get under my skin, they really cannot understand this core issue — not unless they have it themselves.
And I should not forget that this core matter can be productive, too. It drives one toward knowledge and to broadening one’s horizons (so much so that I could understand Marechera, someone on the other side of the political fence when I was growing up).
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