'via Blog this'
Grace Colleen 1 hour ago
I've been feeling that way too. The shadow of fear is gone because I have seen through it and seen it through.
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Speaking through the blizzard
I am sure my mind is very strange -- but if I can't be just toward myself and others, I feel depleted, sad and frightened. This is the element of the sacred that has to be worked through, and reckoned with. For instance, how can I be just toward myself and also just toward others, even those who have mistreated me? When I began writing my memoir I wanted only to vindicate myself as a person who had been unfairly victimized, by pointing it out and trying to get people to see that I had done no wrong, or very little, and I deserved to be restored into society. I felt that I had to petition others to see this, because I had the mark of stigma on me and I wanted it removed. Then later people said that I didn't give my father due consideration. I had been excluding him from the mess because I knew he was tormented and I felt that rightly I could not explain his situation, only the impact his actions had on mine. But then it felt unjust. I should explain his situation as well, as far as possible. But the burden of my stigmatized status had not been lifted. So I have continued to work in such a way to release others from the rubble that has fallen on them and to alleviate their suffering if possible (which really only occurs within my head, in the projection of my good intentions). The stigma was never lifted and I was never restored. It led me to a mid-life crisis, but now I understand it is just human frailty. From my side, I like to think that I have balanced my own scales of justice. I have worked long and hard at this, and know what is wrong and what is right. I'm so sure of this that I am prepared to let things go. What matters to me now is that I had the courage to make my own judgements, and that I am sure, as far as possible, that they are right. I will move on now, with a good conscience.
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