My eternal recurrence has been to do with this series of events.
I couldn't manage processing the information at first. It has taken me twenty years to do it.
I lived and experienced the world on the surface. Any hint of trauma and I couldn't process my thoughts effectively. I used language that didn't really seem to suit the situation as I couldn't stay down long enough to carefully observe the structure of this sequence of events afflicting my family. Therefore, I was unable to fully understand the accumulation of traumatic events that became my inheritance. I believed myself to be insulated from them, largely, which I was not.
Although I felt myself to be largely unaffected, other people easily dominated me. It turned out that by repressing familial traumas, I had also been repressing a large part of my personality, in particular negative emotions and any awareness of my own propensity for aggression, which would have given me the capacity for self-defense.
By repressing my legitimate hostility and rage, I was allowing anybody to walk all over me. I just let them do it. I couldn't understand why this kept happening, or why I was burning up with a fever inside.
I couldn't articulate my thoughts because I kept bumping up against the trauma, which led to my emotional repression. Even observing my thoughts was difficult, although I would catch sight of them once in a while.
To be able to articulate them fully, I had to descend into the deep waters.
--
I now see what I didn't see before, which is the structure of my psyche. It takes a while to see such a complex sea anemone. Since no-one else was willing to venture so deeply with me, I had to do it on my own.
I've found out truths that have enabled me to extricate myself from history and its psychological determinism.
I don't any longer embrace "identity", for instance, or any of the two sides of politics.
I've regained myself, bit by bit, and such recollection of myself has come about through an increased capacity to focus on the trauma under a state of resistance to observing it..
--
The psychological inheritance of historical events is now my truth. The historical legacy of trauma is ended and I am now free. Reality is no longer hidden from me. I'm here.
I couldn't manage processing the information at first. It has taken me twenty years to do it.
I lived and experienced the world on the surface. Any hint of trauma and I couldn't process my thoughts effectively. I used language that didn't really seem to suit the situation as I couldn't stay down long enough to carefully observe the structure of this sequence of events afflicting my family. Therefore, I was unable to fully understand the accumulation of traumatic events that became my inheritance. I believed myself to be insulated from them, largely, which I was not.
Although I felt myself to be largely unaffected, other people easily dominated me. It turned out that by repressing familial traumas, I had also been repressing a large part of my personality, in particular negative emotions and any awareness of my own propensity for aggression, which would have given me the capacity for self-defense.
By repressing my legitimate hostility and rage, I was allowing anybody to walk all over me. I just let them do it. I couldn't understand why this kept happening, or why I was burning up with a fever inside.
I couldn't articulate my thoughts because I kept bumping up against the trauma, which led to my emotional repression. Even observing my thoughts was difficult, although I would catch sight of them once in a while.
To be able to articulate them fully, I had to descend into the deep waters.
--
I now see what I didn't see before, which is the structure of my psyche. It takes a while to see such a complex sea anemone. Since no-one else was willing to venture so deeply with me, I had to do it on my own.
I've found out truths that have enabled me to extricate myself from history and its psychological determinism.
I don't any longer embrace "identity", for instance, or any of the two sides of politics.
I've regained myself, bit by bit, and such recollection of myself has come about through an increased capacity to focus on the trauma under a state of resistance to observing it..
--
The psychological inheritance of historical events is now my truth. The historical legacy of trauma is ended and I am now free. Reality is no longer hidden from me. I'm here.
2 comments:
Being on neither side of the political devide, does this mean that we don't get the benefit of your thoughts and insights into the analysis and critique of both the historical and current developments? As I have noted before, your analysis has avoided direct analysis what went on, the legacies of what went on and the what is currently going on.
My analysis ignores none of those things. At least not deliberately.
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