Sorry, its evening on my side of the world. I had to realize my father's allegiance to his gender and his concepts of gender were far stronger than any (if any) he had for me.
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+S. F. If I drink wine I can access my emotions, but temporarily I have forgotten them. But speaking from intellectual memory, my father was brought up in a hyper-masculine, hyper right-wing society. The parts I have been able to piece together regarding his psychology are.
1 His biological father died very young after volunteering as an airman for WW2. There was a terrible accident. My father had only just been born and he seems to have gained the impression that is biological mother "lost" him, in an act of grave and inconsiderate carelessness.
2. His biological mother had to remarry, as there was so social security support system and she needed a breadwinner.
3. The non-biological father was rather begrudging and abusive to my father, as he stated that this was not his biological child.
4. My father was trained for soldiering at a very early age and when the Rhodesian war heated up around the early to mid-sixties, he went into call up duty.
5. He remained in a very male culture with a very masculine ethic. He may have also learned around this time that he was fighting "socialism", which he somehow identified with womem and with the demise of his masculine ethos.
6. There was a media blackout in the country to keep up troop morale, so nobody really knew how much the war was destined to be lost.
7. After 15 years or more of soldiering, the war was suddenly lost. So much had been sacrificed. He had even lost his half-brother.
8. My father took out his vengeance on me for losing the war. I became both his careless and irresponsible mother and all the socialists that had been undermining him.
9. My father expressed his extreme misogyny and sought to undermine me economically and psychologically.
10. I had to develop some masculine warfare skills of my own, and in a hurry, to fight back.
1 His biological father died very young after volunteering as an airman for WW2. There was a terrible accident. My father had only just been born and he seems to have gained the impression that is biological mother "lost" him, in an act of grave and inconsiderate carelessness.
2. His biological mother had to remarry, as there was so social security support system and she needed a breadwinner.
3. The non-biological father was rather begrudging and abusive to my father, as he stated that this was not his biological child.
4. My father was trained for soldiering at a very early age and when the Rhodesian war heated up around the early to mid-sixties, he went into call up duty.
5. He remained in a very male culture with a very masculine ethic. He may have also learned around this time that he was fighting "socialism", which he somehow identified with womem and with the demise of his masculine ethos.
6. There was a media blackout in the country to keep up troop morale, so nobody really knew how much the war was destined to be lost.
7. After 15 years or more of soldiering, the war was suddenly lost. So much had been sacrificed. He had even lost his half-brother.
8. My father took out his vengeance on me for losing the war. I became both his careless and irresponsible mother and all the socialists that had been undermining him.
9. My father expressed his extreme misogyny and sought to undermine me economically and psychologically.
10. I had to develop some masculine warfare skills of my own, and in a hurry, to fight back.
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